And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
