I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
