I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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