i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
