His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
