There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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