Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
