I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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