did you get engaged???
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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