I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
ttyl tear gas
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
