i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Randomize
