Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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