Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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