All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
