so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
