I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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