when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My cat gives me a boner
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
