The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
