i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
