ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
