he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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