sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
