God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
