You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
