I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
