dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
