Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
