I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
