Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
