They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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