i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
