The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
