Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
