Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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