And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
