Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
