I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
