I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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