I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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