You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Drunk is not a location!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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