The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
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