If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
