god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
