I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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