So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
