The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
