Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
