So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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