If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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