i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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