remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
he just fucked me for my cheese.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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